In response to yesterday's post, I received a comment from a representative of PPFFPP - an organization seeking to protect and advocate for mothers and children devastated by the horrible injustices of child trafficking, illegal adoption. Here is my response to that comment:
PPFFPP - Thanks for sharing your perspective. As my husband has replied, we agree that it's good to be aware of organizations and viewpoints such as yours, and your valid objective to be an advocate for mothers and children who experience devastating loss via trafficking. I also agree with this quote from your 11/29 post in which you speak of compassion:
“It never ceases to sadden me when our anger gets let loose on one another - on our sisters and brothers who have suffered the same or similar loss as we have and instead of being able to get in touch with our compassion - we lash out with anger instead.”
That being said, I am sorry for deep losses you may have experienced either through adoption or trafficking which have led to your criticizing legal adoption – (a beautiful and effective way of making families) – even as you advocate justly for the rights of those who are hurt by illegal adoptions. You shared in your blog that you struggle with anger; I can only imagine the scope of the anger that wells up in the face of such losses, and encountering them day after day.
I wonder though… is being an advocate for victims of trafficking mutually exclusive to being supportive of families made by legal adoption? I don’t see how those two ‘sides’ of things have become enemies. As you know, many birthparents make the choice, either intentionally or by abandonment, for their children to be adopted into other loving homes. I wonder – does it make sense to you for those children to either (A) die or (B) stay in institutions where, even if they are well cared-for, they can never experience the love of parents? To me, this seems an extreme unmerited by your current path. I wonder if your objective to protect could be met in even more powerful ways by reaching out to partner with adoptive families who share your passion, rather than alienating them by (directly or indirectly) accusing those you don't know of being party to illegal trafficking.
As for your viewpoints on positive adoption language – though your comments seem more aimed simply to promote the previously-stated objective, they are also valid comments and I’d like to take them seriously. Frankly, in your support of birthmothers, I was surprised to hear you discouraging attempts to train others to speak positively of them.
As for the ‘birthmother’/’real mother’ and ‘adopted child’/’adoptive parents’ issue, you’re right; it does appear inconsistent at first glance. I think it’s mainly a matter of context. I don’t feel it inappropriate when writing about adoption in general to use terms like ‘adoptive parents’ or ‘adopted children’ where the process defining the general role is required for the sake of clarity. However, when speaking TO our daughter (who will be legally adopted – after 3 years of checks and re-checks and processing and approvals from multiple governments, we are certain of this), wouldn’t you agree that, since she is unable to know her birthmother, it is right and good for her to be able to call someone ‘Mother’ (not just ‘Adoptive Mother’), and be called by someone, ‘My daughter’? Either way, I pray for you today. For success in protecting what you rightfully protect. And for grace to soften to (and perhaps build bridges with) perspectives of those who also seek to protect in similar ways – and to love.
"If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing..."
-1 Corinthians 13:1-3-
3 comments:
I'm learning from the Rankins about Grace and kindness in response to criticism and harsh comments. I would not have so softly and respectfully answered the comment from that organization. I would not have honored their right to stand forth on my beliefs and actions.
I can be and have been, the voice of reason; the calm arbitrator, but never with a quiet heart that shows like Ed and Vonda's.
Thank you, friend. For what it's worth, I encourage readers to also respond with like grace and kindness as there are eyes who watch us, and important ears who hear. Most importantly, those of our Heavenly Father.
I know how loving and caring you will be to your daughter and that is all that matters with adding to your family. My daughter has a horrible 'real' father, but a loving 'step' father and love is all you need.
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