Positive Adoption Language

Vernell Klassen Miller has published a helpful devotional for parents who are adopting; I'll be sharing their wisdom (nearly verbatim) throughout this post tonight.

In general, I'm not a person who values 'PC'ness (yes, Erin, there's a 'C' there) ;-); buzz words and trendy phrases definitely made my peeves list and I am no fan of putting unnecessary obstacles in the way of people simply saying what they mean. That's why when others (and sometimes myself) don't use the suggested phrases below regarding adoption, we will all find there's plenty of grace, understanding and good-intent to cover it all. Still, when my daughter comes home, I want her to hear us talking about our family in ways that validate her, and affirm our bonds together as a family. This is for her sake as she learns what a family is; not to spare our feelings as parents (which is nice but WAY secondary). So... I put this out there, not as a 'be PC, or we'll be offended'; certainly not to stifle conversation about adoption... but to do my best to prepare the way. I'm the mom and that's my job (and my joy):

FIRST TRY: "Yes, they have one daughter, but she was adopted."
BETTER: "Yes, they have a daughter whom they adopted."
BEST: "Yes, they have a daughter."

FIRST TRY: "Do you know her real mother?"
BETTER: "Do you know her birthmother?"

FIRST TRY: "She is an adopted child."
BETTER: "She was adopted."
EXPLANATION: Adoption is a process. It describes an action - not a person - and should not be used as a label.

FIRST TRY: "Do they have any children of their own?"
BETTER: "Do they have any children by birth?"

FIRST TRY: "Are your children related?"
BETTER: "Are your children genetically related?"
BEST: Call attention to some similarity and say, "It's easy to see you come from the same family!"

FIRST TRY: "How good of you to adopt!"
BETTER: "You're a happy family." - Or say something general about the blessings of having children.
EXPLANATION: How would you respond to someone who said, "How good of you to conceive!" or "How generous of you to bear more children!" Adoption is just another way of making a family; it (as with birthing children) is its own reward.

FIRST TRY: "How could any woman relinquish [or 'give up'] a child?"
BETTER: "I'm sure it took a lot of thought for the birthmother to choose adoption for her child."
EXPLANATION: Even in cases where a child's birth story is unknown, it is unwise to ever speak negatively about a child's birth parents. We cannot judge situations we know nothing of, and it's important for a child to know there's beauty and worth in ALL of her roots and history - it is where she's come from. Adoptive parents are not saviors; simply parents.

FIRST TRY: "Now that you've adopted, you'll probably conceive."
BETTER: "Are you hoping for more children?"

For those of you who read through this stuff and chew on it, it means more than you know. Thanks for taking time to learn to love our daughter with us, in advance...