We all know kids are naturally curious - especially when it comes to ideas or situations that differ from their immediate experience. Answering kids' questions about adoption can be a combination of prep work and 'adding lib'. For those interested in prepping a little, here's a resource from 'Adoptive Families' magazine designed to give kids a head-start in relating to friends who've been adopted. (They encourage distribution). Questions are from a child's perspective:Q: Emily told me she was adopted. What is adoption?
A: Adoption is when a family can't take care of a child. They find a family who will take care of her forever and ever. Emily's parents love her as much as we love you.
Q: Why did Emily's parents adopt her?
A: Because they wanted to have a family, and adopting a child is one way to do it. They will be together forever.
Q: What did Emily do that her real parent(s) didn't keep her?
A: I think you are talking about Emily's birthparent(s). Adoption is never a child's fault. It is a decision made by grown-ups when they don't feel able or ready to be parents.
Q: Will Emily ever meet her real mother?
A: Do you mean her birthmother? That's a hard question to answer because I don't know. Sometimes adopted children meet their birthparents and sometimes they don't.
Q: Why doesn't Billy look like his mom?
A: Billy's family is an adoptive family. He was born in Guatemala to a family who looks like him, but who couldn't take care of a baby when he was born.
Q: What happened to Billy's real mother?
A: Do you mean the woman who gave birth to him? She is his birthmother. Sometimes a person can have a baby without being ready to parent.
Q: Why isn't he with her?
A: She may have been too young to raise a child, or needed to work and didn't have anyone to take care of him. So she made a way for another family to care for him. Billy's mommy and daddy will be his parents forever.
Q: Do you think Billy's real mother misses him?
A: I think his birthmother probably does.
Q: Am I going to be adopted?
A: No, because Daddy and I were ready to be parents when we had you. We will be your parents forever.
Many of you might have already had conversations with your own or others' children about Eva's coming adoption - or other friends from adoptive families. What's the most interesting or amusing question you've encountered? How did you answer?
9 comments:
I've learned that some families like their adoption stories to be private. I hadn't really thought of that, and was caught off guard with one of my own questions!? Being that I am adopted I talk about it freely with others, but everything is a learning experience. I asked the new Mom if her new baby was given up for a certain reason, such as young maternal age, she answered "That is something we will discuss with her when she is older." Wow. Such a great answer, yet it did make me feel awkward.
Wow - what a great response to her answer, LadyD; it's great of you to be so respectful of that choice. Ed and I have been open with family and our closest friends, but would also like to honor our daughter by protecting her story for her - so she can share with others as she wishes. Yet, we really want to do that in a way that doesn't make people feel awkward for asking. Any ideas for how we can do that?
When Kavya and Curtis were little we were at the playground and a young curious boy asked, "why are they black and you are white?"
I said, "they were born in India," and asked the little boy if he knew where that was? He said, "No... Is it here on earth?"
I remember several instances when the kids were younger getting stares from people trying to figure things out, and then they would have a sudden revelation when Jim would show up. "Oh, they're adopted, they would say...Your children are darling. Where are they from..."
You know I'm tired when I type in Google for my name...Oops!
I love your graceful perspective, Groovy. I think that's really the bottom line; peoples' intentions are so good when it comes to this - they're just wanting to relate. Ed and I always hope to convey that graceful attitude, welcoming people into the dialogue; understanding that all of us sometimes hesitate, or aren't familiar with the most 'PC' terms or questions when faced with situations that are new to us.
I guess maybe I wouldn't have felt so awkward if she maybe would have started her answer with something like "Thanks for asking,or,Thanks for caring,or,We'd love to share that with you but my husband and I have decided to give our daughter the choice to share her story- if she wants to- when she's old enough. Something like that. To make me feel like I wasn't being rude. I know,it's got to be hard,
V, I like that in the article, graceful answers are given in response to the "real mother/parents" references.
I made that mistake once with Fred and Bobbie Everson about 12 years ago when they adopted Jarena. I referred to the birth mother as Jarena's "real" mother. (Not realizing what I was saying or how hurtful that could be.) Bobbie was very gracious, just like the responses in the article. It's very good for friends/family to be educated on how to respond, what's respectful/PC, etc.
Bobbie also taught me that the phrase "put up for adoption" has very negative connotations--referring back to times and places where children were placed on platforms and bid on like auction items, if I remember correctly. I kinder phrase is "placed for adoption." I was glad to learn that, too.
Though my children aren't adopted, Abby was convinced at age 3 that she came from Wal-Mart.
The only awkward questions I have been asked were from Mary & Martha: "When can we have the milk from your cereal bowl?" And I said: "Not until Eva comes." Seriously, though, these are great things to be thinking about for preparation and grace. Love it!
I did not know my brother was adopted until 13 and that was a weird conversation with my parents. I was the only brown eyed person in my entire extended family so I knew I was. I am so glad that I never felt bad about me being adopted and the love was so solid just like you will have with Eva!
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