Change of Path

Dear friends and loved ones,

This has been a great way for us to keep in touch on updates about our daughter and thoughts on adoption. However, going forward, we will no longer post new pictures or specific adoption updates here. Pictures and specifics have been removed from previous posts (which may end up being deleted all together). We'll send Christmas letters to many of you and will include ways to get in touch with us if you'd like to be on an ongoing email distribution. If you're not on the Christmas letter list, email us (if you don't know our email, most of you can find someone who does) to let us know you'd like to receive updates.

The key things we've wanted you all to know about adoption prep have been posted recently. If we get a bunch of enthusiastic bites on the email distribution, perhaps we will share more resources there.

I'll still use this blog. I love writing and there are lots of areas beyond adoption I'd still like to write about. I hope you'll still come out to check what's top of mind in other areas.

For those who desire to hurt and discourage us... We had heard of you, but didn't understand the scope or intensity of your goals against us until today. Again, we are sorry for the losses that would lead to the amount of anger it must take to fuel this type of passion and energy expenditure against people who simply want to love and care for children via legal routes. However, as a community, we too have a powerful Ally; one who contends on our behalf and whose motive is LOVE. We believe He is on the move here - and you would be wise never to underestimate the power of His true Love.

May you have success with your goals in advocating for mothers and children. In that, we support you. And we pray that the beauty and joy of this coming season will touch your hearts in powerful ways that might surprise even you. Merry Christmas.

Response to PPFFPP

In response to yesterday's post, I received a comment from a representative of PPFFPP - an organization seeking to protect and advocate for mothers and children devastated by the horrible injustices of child trafficking, illegal adoption. Here is my response to that comment:

PPFFPP - Thanks for sharing your perspective. As my husband has replied, we agree that it's good to be aware of organizations and viewpoints such as yours, and your valid objective to be an advocate for mothers and children who experience devastating loss via trafficking. I also agree with this quote from your 11/29 post in which you speak of compassion:

“It never ceases to sadden me when our anger gets let loose on one another - on our sisters and brothers who have suffered the same or similar loss as we have and instead of being able to get in touch with our compassion - we lash out with anger instead.”

That being said, I am sorry for deep losses you may have experienced either through adoption or trafficking which have led to your criticizing legal adoption – (a beautiful and effective way of making families) – even as you advocate justly for the rights of those who are hurt by illegal adoptions. You shared in your blog that you struggle with anger; I can only imagine the scope of the anger that wells up in the face of such losses, and encountering them day after day.

I wonder though… is being an advocate for victims of trafficking mutually exclusive to being supportive of families made by legal adoption? I don’t see how those two ‘sides’ of things have become enemies. As you know, many birthparents make the choice, either intentionally or by abandonment, for their children to be adopted into other loving homes. I wonder – does it make sense to you for those children to either (A) die or (B) stay in institutions where, even if they are well cared-for, they can never experience the love of parents? To me, this seems an extreme unmerited by your current path. I wonder if your objective to protect could be met in even more powerful ways by reaching out to partner with adoptive families who share your passion, rather than alienating them by (directly or indirectly) accusing those you don't know of being party to illegal trafficking.

As for your viewpoints on positive adoption language – though your comments seem more aimed simply to promote the previously-stated objective, they are also valid comments and I’d like to take them seriously. Frankly, in your support of birthmothers, I was surprised to hear you discouraging attempts to train others to speak positively of them.

As for the ‘birthmother’/’real mother’ and ‘adopted child’/’adoptive parents’ issue, you’re right; it does appear inconsistent at first glance. I think it’s mainly a matter of context. I don’t feel it inappropriate when writing about adoption in general to use terms like ‘adoptive parents’ or ‘adopted children’ where the process defining the general role is required for the sake of clarity. However, when speaking TO our daughter (who will be legally adopted – after 3 years of checks and re-checks and processing and approvals from multiple governments, we are certain of this), wouldn’t you agree that, since she is unable to know her birthmother, it is right and good for her to be able to call someone ‘Mother’ (not just ‘Adoptive Mother’), and be called by someone, ‘My daughter’? Either way, I pray for you today. For success in protecting what you rightfully protect. And for grace to soften to (and perhaps build bridges with) perspectives of those who also seek to protect in similar ways – and to love.

"If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing..."

-1 Corinthians 13:1-3-

Positive Adoption Language

Vernell Klassen Miller has published a helpful devotional for parents who are adopting; I'll be sharing their wisdom (nearly verbatim) throughout this post tonight.

In general, I'm not a person who values 'PC'ness (yes, Erin, there's a 'C' there) ;-); buzz words and trendy phrases definitely made my peeves list and I am no fan of putting unnecessary obstacles in the way of people simply saying what they mean. That's why when others (and sometimes myself) don't use the suggested phrases below regarding adoption, we will all find there's plenty of grace, understanding and good-intent to cover it all. Still, when my daughter comes home, I want her to hear us talking about our family in ways that validate her, and affirm our bonds together as a family. This is for her sake as she learns what a family is; not to spare our feelings as parents (which is nice but WAY secondary). So... I put this out there, not as a 'be PC, or we'll be offended'; certainly not to stifle conversation about adoption... but to do my best to prepare the way. I'm the mom and that's my job (and my joy):

FIRST TRY: "Yes, they have one daughter, but she was adopted."
BETTER: "Yes, they have a daughter whom they adopted."
BEST: "Yes, they have a daughter."

FIRST TRY: "Do you know her real mother?"
BETTER: "Do you know her birthmother?"

FIRST TRY: "She is an adopted child."
BETTER: "She was adopted."
EXPLANATION: Adoption is a process. It describes an action - not a person - and should not be used as a label.

FIRST TRY: "Do they have any children of their own?"
BETTER: "Do they have any children by birth?"

FIRST TRY: "Are your children related?"
BETTER: "Are your children genetically related?"
BEST: Call attention to some similarity and say, "It's easy to see you come from the same family!"

FIRST TRY: "How good of you to adopt!"
BETTER: "You're a happy family." - Or say something general about the blessings of having children.
EXPLANATION: How would you respond to someone who said, "How good of you to conceive!" or "How generous of you to bear more children!" Adoption is just another way of making a family; it (as with birthing children) is its own reward.

FIRST TRY: "How could any woman relinquish [or 'give up'] a child?"
BETTER: "I'm sure it took a lot of thought for the birthmother to choose adoption for her child."
EXPLANATION: Even in cases where a child's birth story is unknown, it is unwise to ever speak negatively about a child's birth parents. We cannot judge situations we know nothing of, and it's important for a child to know there's beauty and worth in ALL of her roots and history - it is where she's come from. Adoptive parents are not saviors; simply parents.

FIRST TRY: "Now that you've adopted, you'll probably conceive."
BETTER: "Are you hoping for more children?"

For those of you who read through this stuff and chew on it, it means more than you know. Thanks for taking time to learn to love our daughter with us, in advance...

Adoption: A Positive Perspective for Kids

We all know kids are naturally curious - especially when it comes to ideas or situations that differ from their immediate experience. Answering kids' questions about adoption can be a combination of prep work and 'adding lib'. For those interested in prepping a little, here's a resource from 'Adoptive Families' magazine designed to give kids a head-start in relating to friends who've been adopted. (They encourage distribution). Questions are from a child's perspective:

Q: Emily told me she was adopted. What is adoption?
A: Adoption is when a family can't take care of a child. They find a family who will take care of her forever and ever. Emily's parents love her as much as we love you.

Q: Why did Emily's parents adopt her?
A: Because they wanted to have a family, and adopting a child is one way to do it. They will be together forever.

Q: What did Emily do that her real parent(s) didn't keep her?
A: I think you are talking about Emily's birthparent(s). Adoption is never a child's fault. It is a decision made by grown-ups when they don't feel able or ready to be parents.

Q: Will Emily ever meet her real mother?
A: Do you mean her birthmother? That's a hard question to answer because I don't know. Sometimes adopted children meet their birthparents and sometimes they don't.

Q: Why doesn't Billy look like his mom?
A: Billy's family is an adoptive family. He was born in Guatemala to a family who looks like him, but who couldn't take care of a baby when he was born.

Q: What happened to Billy's real mother?
A: Do you mean the woman who gave birth to him? She is his birthmother. Sometimes a person can have a baby without being ready to parent.

Q: Why isn't he with her?
A: She may have been too young to raise a child, or needed to work and didn't have anyone to take care of him. So she made a way for another family to care for him. Billy's mommy and daddy will be his parents forever.

Q: Do you think Billy's real mother misses him?
A: I think his birthmother probably does.

Q: Am I going to be adopted?
A: No, because Daddy and I were ready to be parents when we had you. We will be your parents forever.

Many of you might have already had conversations with your own or others' children about Eva's coming adoption - or other friends from adoptive families. What's the most interesting or amusing question you've encountered? How did you answer?

Beginning the Adoption Dialogue

November is adoption month - so seems like an appropriate time to post some thoughts as the time draws nearer. As I caught up with a dear friend over coffee last night, she asked me a question that grabbed my heart: "What can I be reading as we prepare for Eva's arrival?" Wow! Though this friend is someone whom I consider an 'expert' in the area of teaching, training and raising children, she radiated humility. Beyond this question, throughout the course of our conversation, she acknowledged the following things:

1. A healthy perspective on preparation for adoption goes beyond desiring to love and care for a child. There is much to learn.

2. It is realistic (not negative) to acknowledge that parents and children both experience grief and loss, as well as joy, throughout the process of adoption.

3. The differences in adoptive parenting (particularly with toddlers) vs., biological parenting, go beyond pregnancy vs. paperwork.

4. Children who will be part of Eva's 'circle' need to be prepared for her arrival in ways that will celebrate, but not idealize, her.

5. Our still-forming opinions and perspectives on parenting are important - and valued by those who love us.

6. Others besides Ed and I are interested in Eva's welfare and development - enough to spend time preparing with us.

7. Most importantly... transition will have tough parts. But God's hands are all over this. He is revealing His plan, and will present it with great joy, and great care for all involved - through every new step.

For those specifically anticipating Eva's arrival - or anyone in relationship with adoptive families - we highly recommend:

-'Toddler Adoption: The Weaver's Craft' (Mary Hopkins-Best)
-'Attaching in Adoption' (Deborah D. Gray)
-Anything and everything by Holly Van Gulden: 'Dance of Attachment', 'Real Parents: Real Children', etc.

For those not able to digest whole books (we don't expect this of anyone), I'll be posting some helpful information here and there in future blog posts. Positive adoption language, tools for preparing kids, etc. We are so grateful to be bringing Eva into this warm and loving community, and welcome all supportive questions, comments and discussion surrounding any material covered. Thanks for reading!

Magic Moment

Spending this sunny morning with NoOtherName's kids (7, 5, 3, 10 mo.) reminded me of a time I had visited their home earlier this summer. I had come to hang with my dear friend late in the evening and, as she completed bedtime rituals upstairs, I waited downstairs, folding some clean laundry from a basket in the living room. Their 'Totty' is just two months older than Eva (who was still very much my secret at the time) and, as I folded some of her sweet little pants, shirts and jammies, I felt a stab of longing to know for sure that Eva would be our daughter - to hold her and be with her.

Being the drama queen that I am (even when no one's looking), I raised my lumped throat and moist eyes above me so as to show the Lord, "See - do you see me? This is painful... can you do something please?"

No sooner had the moment passed than NoOtherName came in holding little Cait (6 mo. at the time). Granted, there's something very, very special about Cait's highly-developed cuddling skills, but I've never had a 6 mo. old react to my presence like this... Without prompt, she smiled sweetly and put her hands directly out as if to request that I hold her. Once I took her, she proceeded to nuzzle her face into my neck and put her tiny hand on my face... We held this embrace for minutes. Nothing of earth could have touched me with more tenderness in that moment.

"Mmm... Lord, you are so good. Thank you for seeing me - even when I'm a drama queen. And thank you for answering."

What Hasn't Changed

ED & V: LEFT, 1991 - RIGHT, 2007

A lot of things have changed in 16 years - but I've always known Ed will be an awesome father. Here are my top 10 reasons:

10. GREAT TASTE: He fell in love with me despite the (1991) glasses.
9. SERVANT HEART: He does food prep and cleans the bathroom.
8. CONFIDENCE: He can respectfully disagree with people.
7. GENEROSITY: He runs errands for friends when they're stressed.
6. HUGE BRAIN: He knows the difference between bugs and insects.
5. INTEGRITY: He censors movies for us - and he's always right.
4. PLAYFUL: He's already collecting great children's movies and CDs.
3. RESPONSIBLE: He's purchased and installed plastic outlet covers.
2. LOVES KIDS: He'll watch friends' kids - by himself when needed.
1. FAITH: He always knows it's going to be okay; he trusts God.

And, this is just the tip of the iceberg. Congratulations, Ed, with all my heart! There's nowhere else I'd rather be...

Contending In Prayer

First things first: a few posts back, I made a promise to deliver halloween candy in exchange for creative story titles, and I'm good for it! Paul and Groovy, I didn't get your orders... do tell! You all are winners for playing along and being silly with me! :-)

The question this post will answer is: "How did God take a grief situation and turn it into pure joy for His glory?" The short answer is, "By orchestrating a cluster of miracles." The (much) longer answer is below...

OUR EXPECTATION:
In order to understand our emotional state when this miracle occurred, you need a little background on where we had thought we'd be. Adoptive parents don't have the suspense of a pregnancy test or a first doctor visit. Instead, the 'magic moment' of sudden knowledge is... the phone call. The "referral" - where the social worker calls and, with great joy, announces there is now a child for consideration. Once you calm down enough to think clearly, you research and consider the referral (usually a 3 day to 2 week process). Then, if you're able to accept, you jump up and down and plan your sneaky surprise 'we're having a baby!' announcement to all your family and friends. This was not our referral.

OUR REALITY:
Through a different cluster of miracles, there was no phone call for us. God helped us find Eva on an online list of waiting children at 3:00 AM one night in the middle of June. Initially receiving her information was exciting! But there wasn't enough to go on... We consulted a specialist who confirmed we would need to get more information in order to move ahead wisely. AND besides all that, (as we discovered almost a month later)... she wasn't yet 'cleared' for adoption. Meaning - the government did not yet recognize her as able to be adopted. I won't go into the long and very gory details... but after a wait of almost 3+ months (having been told it would be 10 days at most), we were tired. Hopes of a 'sneaky surprise' were growing dim as friends and family saw that 'something was up' - and we were just trying to hold it together.

HIS ANSWER:
As Carol Madison spoke at LATTE (FCC's Women's Ministry) last Sunday night, it became clear to me that the type of prayer I had personally been doing the past 3 months, (ex: 'Lord, please help - but You're sovereign - so you're gonna do what you're gonna do') wasn't really 'contending' in prayer. Carol challenged us to push beyond a 'theology of resignation' and really persist - to contend for what it is we believe God wants to give us FOR HIS GLORY.

So after LATTE, that's what we did. Three precious sisters and I (NoOtherName, KJ and Chele) retreated to a side room to pray. This was the tricky part for me... These were three close friends who I knew would provide some of the most satisfying 'happy surprise' factor if I could just wait till the news was 'for sure'. And, for three months, I had been sneaking, half-lying, evading, and all other methods I could think of to resist telling them about Eva. But, that night, after just a few minutes - I knew I had to lay it down. I sobbed as I let go of my ideal surprise and explained that Ed and I had a daughter... and we absolutely needed to contend together in prayer for her clearance. Amidst prolific tears, snot and painful charlie-horses, we repented, and we contended for over an hour until the lights were out, the FCC doors locked, and we knew He had heard us; we had joy. Big joy!

So, it was home to a sound sleep... until 4:30 AM. My eyes shot open and it felt like the middle of the day. Insomnia is not the norm for me (I love sleep!), and I'll spare you the whiny questioning the Lord heard from me for over a half hour before He finally, almost audibly, compelled me to get out of my bed - otherwise, I would miss a blessing. Finally being somewhat certain I'd heard something about a blessing, I gave in and trudged up the stairs to the music room. Where I kneeled on the floor, there was a devotional called 'God Calling' (A.J. Russell) which has a paragraph for each day, but I only read a few times a month. The entries for October 6th and 7th (last weekend) were:

A CHILD'S HAND

"Yes, cling. Your faith shall be rewarded. Do you not know what it means to feel a little trusting hand in yours, to know a child's confidence? Does that not draw out your Love and desire to protect, to care? Think what My Heart feels, when in your helplessness you turn to Me, clinging, desiring My Love and Protection. Would you fail that child, faulty and weak as you are? Could I fail you? Just know it is not possible. Know all is well. You must not doubt. You must be sure. There is no miracle I cannot perform, nothing I cannot do. No eleventh hour rescue I cannot accomplish."

REJOICE AT WEAKNESS

"Yes! I know all. Every cry for mercy. Every sign of weariness. Every plea for help. Every sorry over failure. Every weakness. I am with you through all. My tender sympathy is yours. My strength is yours. Rejoice at your weakness, My children. My strength is made perfect in weakness. When you are weak then am I strong. Strong to help, to cure, to protect. Trust me, my children. I know ALL. I am beside you. Strong, strong, strong to save. Lean on My Love, and know that all is well."

Needless to say, I was completely humbled. I thanked the Lord for His tenderness, mercy, infinite patience with my laziness, and this amazing reminder of His promise - and passed His message on to my dear fellow contenders via email. I ended the email with, "Thank you, dear sisters, for praying tonight. For listening and contending. All shall be well and all shall be well and all manner of things shall be well. It is His goodness and sweet tenderness that makes this sure in my heart... I love you!"

I returned to bed and fell asleep immediately. And the first email I received in my Inbox the next morning...?

You guessed it. The exact words from our agency's India Program Director:

"She is cleared!! I will hand-carry her papers with me back to the US. I pick them up on the 12th. Happy day!"

Coincidence? No; Contending... and His absolute grace and tenderness and mercy. God's way was, for us, 100 times better and more joyful than our envisioned way. All glory and honor and praise to HIM. I wouldn't trade this story or our referral process for the world; what a precious reminder of His power and tenderness. Thank you, Lord!!

Ephesians 3:20: Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably MORE than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

Cleaning the Garage

NOTE: This will be an unabashedly, unapologetically LONG post - but it's one you don't want to miss...

Ed and I (and those who know us REALLY well) have an 'inside joke' of sorts. The phrase is 'cleaning the garage', and it all goes back to a Saturday morning in the early 80's (I was 9 or 10)...

Having previously overheard my parents discussing the need to clean the garage, I secretly planned to wake up that morning, sneak out to the garage, and begin cleaning it. (I know - weird kid). However, as I tied my shoes, excitedly anticipating the joy of my sneaky surprise, my mom walked by and said, "Vonda, your dad and I would like your help with cleaning the garage today." Instantly, my sneaky surprise was deflated. What had been an anticipated joy seemed a chore to me now - it was a bummer!

We use that phrase pretty regularly now - if one of us adds to a Christmas list something the other had already bought as a special surprise. If one of us mentions the desire for fresh flowers on the table (that would be me) while the other had already secretly bought them and had them waiting out in the car...

All this to say... (and here it is!), if someone would have asked this morning, "So - any news on the adoption front?"... they would have been CLEANING THE GARAGE!! :-) Because it's here - it's time for the 'sneaky surprise'. With a flood of great joy and gratitude, we introduce to you our daughter:

EVA RANKIN

Isn't she absolutely beautiful?!? Words cannot express our joy in having the Lord confirm, just this morning, that we are now 'officially' the parents of this precious little girl...

In the language where Eva was born, her name means, 'Keen Talent' or 'Excellence'. She will turn 3 on November 25th, and, (per her child-study report), loves to dance and sing and draw. Though she is, in general, a calm and quiet child, she is social, enjoys playing with other kids - and emulates older children.

These things, in addition to some miraculous happenings regarding her health (we will share with some of you), are what we now know of our little girl. We are so excited to learn more... as we wait to bring her home, we will receive more information and pictures to help us celebrate and prepare.

So what's next...? Well, we have been told that this next chunk of waiting will seem easier if we think of it as a pregnancy. In 4 to 7 months, we hope to receive what is called 'NOC' (No Objection Certificate, or something to that effect) which means the guardianship and adoption is legal in the eyes of the Indian government. Once we receive this, it won't be long (a month or so) until we travel to pick her up. The agency has referred to this next waiting period as 'the black hole', meaning that, in general, once people know for sure who their child is, it can be much more difficult to wait - knowing this specific child will grow older and change with each passing day. With this in mind, we ask those of you who pray to contend in prayer with us in the following ways:

1. For God to embrace and pour His affection out on Eva.
2. For God to open Eva's heart and mind to the concept of parents.
3. For continued improvement in her health - physically, emotionally, developmentally.
4. That God would speed the process (and give us great joy) as we re-do most of our dossier (paperwork) for the second time.
5. Once the dossier is sent to India, that NOC and guardianship would happen in record time.
6. That God would provide for all the logistics surrounding preparation of our hearts, home, marriage, families, lives, finances, pets, and eventual travel.
7. Our referral process has been VERY unusual (and long) - please pray for renewed strength and energy as we head into 'the final stretch'.
8. That we'll remember, above all, who the Center is. Not us. Not Eva. That we will never lose sight of the fact that our Heavenly Father will remain our sure hope and solid foundation whatever follows in the coming months and years.

Thanks to all of you who have prayed and supported these past years - we are so grateful for all of you and consider this a 'group project'. We look forward to celebrating together in days ahead!

P.S. This unfolding story already contains multiple miracles; clear evidence of His leading and purpose. In tomorrow's post, I'll share the one He blessed us with last night/today...

P.P.S. Please leave your first thoughts of care and welcome for Eva as comments on this post; we will print them and use them in creating the favorite story we will someday read to her before bed-time each night... Eva's Happy Adoption Story.

On Waiting...

QUOTE FOR TODAY: "I'm finding there's a lot of kicking and screaming to do on the way to that 'gentle, quiet spirit'." - TK

HYMN FOR TODAY: Be Still, My Soul (Katharina von Schlegel, 1752)

Be still my soul; the Lord is on your side.
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain.
Leave to your God to order and provide;
In every change, He faithful will remain.
Be still my soul; your best, your heav'nly friend,
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be still my soul; your God does undertake
To guide the future as He has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul; the waves and wind still know
The voice of Him who ruled them here below.