It was a vivid moment. 1st grade art class and a number of us (yet unaware of the 'uncouthness' of boasting) were arguing vehemently over whose finger-painting was "the best". Then it happened. Pretty, popular Janelle moaned pitifully to everyone present, "Oooh, MY painting is just SO awful..." Immediately, the teacher, and a number of kids as well, chimed in to comfort her, "Of course, it's not awful, Janelle! Your painting is beautiful!". My first exposure to self-deprecation was simple, efficient, and intensely effective; the arrow sunk deep. The whisper to my heart was almost audible, "Do thisssss. Talk low of yourssself, but DO well. You mussst always DO well. You will get what what you truuuly want. I promisssse."
And so it was. And so it is - for many of us. We were kids; did any of us know to watch our step? What starts as a child's natural desire for approval and affirmation turns into habit. The negative messages ABOUT ourselves turn to negative messages TO ourselves. And our messages are not alone; the layers stack up as our voice is joined by hurtful voices of many, many others. And, eventually (it takes some of us longer than others), we can become converts to worthlessness (a preliminary to embracing "worm theology", or spiritualizing shame). The internal progression (though mostly silent to us) goes something like this:
1. I must obey.
2. I must perform.
3. I must always do well.
4. I must be perfect.
5. I can't be perfect.
6. I must hide.
7. I must deceive.
8. I am alone.
9. I am not good enough.
10. I am worthless.
How crafty, the serpent, to deceive a child into surrendering her joy and freedom for a 'must'. Then, use the 'must', to con from her her identity as well. The 'must', the 'should', becomes an 'I am'. The label began in the garden and has been passed down and down and down. We are, in a way, her children, after all. We bear the curse; we too are deceived - and we have chosen it.
Fast forward 12 years. A Christian college; for me, key years in forming my view of God: theology. Relative to the discussion of sovereignty, the professor explained the doctrine of 'Total Depravity', a TRUE TRUTH which, as we embrace it, leads us to the conclusion that we are incapable, in ourselves, to earn eternal salvation. John Calvin writes,
"In self-examination, the search which divine truth requires and the knowledge which it demands will destroy any confidence in our own ability, leave us without any reason to boast and so lead us to submission. This is the course we must follow if we want to reach the true goal."
Now what step (above) corresponds with this doctrine? Step 5. I can't be perfect. In the spiritual realm, I simply do not have what it takes in the way of goodness to get me where I very much want, and need to go.
But what step was I on? Step 10. I'm worthless. And, to my ears, 'Total Depravity' was a miracle to behold! Not only had I been right all along about my worthlessness, but God Himself confirmed it! All I had to DO now (hear the hisss again?) was just keep believing how GOOD He was (true) and, to the same degree I believed His goodness, confess and declare how bad, worthless, depraved, and wretched, I was. And it sounded very humble. And it sounded very wise. I still agree with much of what Calvin says... but looking back, I initially embraced it for all the wrong reasons. What I didn't understand was that the "true goal" Calvin wrote about would have looked more like this:
1. I must obey.
2. I must perform.
3. I must always do well.
4. I must be perfect.
5. I CAN'T be perfect - or even come close (total depravity).
6. BUT, God so loved the world (which HAS worth in His eyes).
7. That He gave His only Son (who WAS perfect).
8. So if I believe in Him, and trust His sacrifice,
9. All my sin and inability no longer earns death for me.
10. I am a new creation in Christ.
11. I have great worth as His beloved child.
12. I am completely FREE in Him.
THIS is the place of the doctrine of sin and depravity in the life of a child of the King. Behind us. Step 5. Do we still sin? Oh yeah. Do we still ask for forgiveness? Yes, definitely. Did sin, before it was destroyed by Him, make me unworthy of God's perfect standard? Oh yes. BUT - did it EVER make me, one created in His image, worthLESS? No. Does my sin have any claim at all to my worth or identity once I trusted Christ and He destroyed it? NO WAY.
So WHY, dear friends, are so many of us still on step 10 of the first list? Why am I still sometimes? SO many reasons. All of them complex. All of them personal. And insisting to ourselves that we get it right - NOW - puts us even further up or down the first list.
But, for those who've made it to this extreme depth down the blog page, with this post goes a prayer that all who read, who struggle with embracing Christ, or your incredible worth in Him - that He will tenderly lead you. May His seed of compassion for you grow up in your own heart. May you hear and believe that He LIKES you, and agree with him in the way you address yourself. You have great worth in His eyes. He LOVES you. And that love is the powerful 'bottom line' in casting out fear, worry and anxiety. Thanks for reading.
I used to ice skate. I was okay - competed and stuff, but only until I was 12. I knew three jumps: the bunny hop, the waltz jump, and the half flip. Now, the half flip wasn't really a flip - but it was, like, half an axel or something (I think). You do a full rotation in the air after sticking your toe-pick in the ice and pulling yourself backward. I practiced endlessly; over and over, on land and ice - my body still has the motions memorized.
